My daughter, Katy, is in second grade at a magnet school called Challenge School.  They have this really great thing they do called "Immersion" for one week in the fall and spring.  Each teacher creates a unit around a theme and the students get to sign up for whichever immersion they are interested in, so the kids get to be with different teachers and students for the week. Pretty cool, right?  This week, Katy's Immersion is called "If You Give A Mouse a Cookie" (based on the popular children's book) and one of the activities was a field trip to a place in Denver Called Make It Bakery where we decorated giant cupcakes with the mouse character from the book.

It is such a treat to have days off to be able to drive and chaperone outings like this and Katy and I had a great time together until we left.  The class went long and there was only 45 minutes left in the school day.  As we left the shop and headed to the car, I told Katy that we would just be going home since it would be silly to drive 15 minutes back to school and then back home again to be there for some cartoons being shown back in class to fill the time.  

Well, you know what happened.  Katy lost it.  She went from exuberant to freaking out in about five seconds.  And then so did I.  Well at least internally.  To an insider, I'm sure I seemed calm, but I didn't really handle the tantrum as well as I could have.  I didn't take any deep breaths.  I just got mad.  I stood my ground and I felt very stuck in an adamant feeling that I would not be letting this bossy little girl push me around.  After a minute of loud arguing in front of the store (and me feeling very embarrassed about the other grown-ups seeing this messy scene) we got in the car.  Things settled down as we drove home.  

The next day, I was talking to a fellow teacher about this event.  She told me that when her two-year old has tantrums, he won't take deep breaths or calm down when asked to.  She says to him, "Let's lay down together."  They do and that decelerates the tantrum.  What a wise thing to do, I thought.  I thought about how I had handled the situation.  I just got caught up in the negative vibe and didn't even think to handle it calmly and take some deep breaths.  This was partly due to the fact that the tantrum was public, so I was feeling self-conscious about others witnessing the scene, and I was also a bit overstimulated from the cupcake workshop.  I'm not going to keep beating up on myself, but I do realize how much work I still have to do on myself to get to the point where I handle conflict better.  

This area for growth comes up in my work as an elementary school teacher, as well.  I am not very good at getting a student who is upset to cooperate.  I just tend to get panicked, issue directions and hope s/he will comply.  When that doesn't work, I end up having to get another adult to assist me.  Then I feel ashamed for not being able to manage the situation competently.  This happened the other day and I watched how the other teacher took control.  She wasn't stressed.  She knelt down to the student's level and asked him what was going on, showed care and empathy, and things quickly turned around in the interaction.  "Why didn't I do that?" I thought.  It was because I was afraid and that, in effect, turned off my pre-frontal cortex and prevented me from having a smart and effective response.  

I talk a lot about mindfulness, and then often realize that I am not very mindful at all sometimes.  "Name it to tame it" is a saying that I use and think of a lot, so I am hoping that by naming this tendency to be reactive, to be on auto-pilot and not self-aware, I can make some headway in terms of staying more present, centered and grounded so that life's little bumps don't throw me off so much and cause a lot of suffering for me and whoever it is that I'm dealing with.  

This sharing doesn't have anything to do with cancer, except for the fact that I have the day off today (due to having had cancer) so I actually have the time to write it, which helps me get some clarity on the issue and perhaps is also helpful to those of you who have the time to read it.  I think I will also post this to my other blog--called "Mindful Teacher. Mindful Students." ​

Teachers are constantly surrounded by heavy, negative emotions and circumstances, as well as positive and joyful ones.  We also have our own internal baggage and struggles to deal with.  Yet, somehow, some of us seem to overcome and some seem to succumb.  Thinking about my own grandparents and parents, and the huge burdens they shouldered, somehow they soldiered on and for the most part, managed to keep a positive outlook on life in general, which they passed on to me.  Today I recognize that I have some tough stuff going on in my life, yet I choose to nurture the good inside and outside of me.  It's all I can do.  

I am reading the 2017 Newbery winner, The Girl Who Drank The Moon, and there is a character who leads a nunnery and seems like a saintly person, yet she secretly feeds off of the sorrow of the townspeople around her.  She actively creates adversity to keep herself youthful and alive.  This made me wonder--what feeds off of sorrow (and anger--the precursor to sorrow) in our lives?  Is it the darkness inside of ourselves and out there in the world?  Is there some kind of cosmic darkness that feeds off of our suffering?  Whatever it is, I will choose not to feed it.  I will not despair.  I will water the good seeds inside of me and outside of me.  I will keep trying, for it is the good fight.  

I noticed myself feeling and acting quite irritable and impatient with my children yesterday afternoon.  I was watching my own behavior as if I was outside of myself and was wondering, "Hey, what is going on with me right now?!  I was so peaceful and happy earlier today and now it has all gone out the window."  I was totally feeling triggered, hooked and stressed by the usual realities of life at home with my kids (bickering, rough-housing, noisiness, whining, complaining, etc).

While meditating this morning, the answer really came to me quite strongly--I need my morning practices every day and also need a recharge in the afternoon.  I feel my spiritual "battery" recharging when I meditate, journal and do yoga in the morning.  Just like our physical bodies need fuel in the form of the food and water we consume, our spiritual bodies need the energy that we generate when we go inside, get quiet and merge body/mind/spirit.  I did some yoga yesterday after waking up, but my daughter was up early too and I didn't get to meditate.  My battery was low by 2pm, but I didn't realize it.  I thought that what was happening outside of me was the problem.

I don't know much about the Muslim religion, but I know that adherents pray five times a day at particular times.  This seems like a very important and powerful ritual that gives me a strong appreciation for this faith.  I recently saw some Muslim men and teenage boys facing East in a line and praying outdoors one afternoon at Independence Pass.  They appeared to be part of a family who were traveling to this popular tourist spot, but they didn't let the fact that they were out in public deter them from maintaining their commitment to their beliefs.   That inspires me, truly, to work harder to sustain my spiritual awareness throughout the day with more moments of mindfulness, solitude and reverence, including at least one short, 5-10 minute session of meditation.

Patti Gatto Walden recently talked at the state gifted conference.  She taught us her theory of self.  Your essence, your soul, your spirit, the part that animates you as a person--she refers to as your "Golden Core".  She says that the other layers that surround it are our roles, masks, and protections.  Our careers, our beliefs, our skills, our behaviors.  What struck me about this analogy was this final comment, "Discord and disharmony between people happens when one fails to see the Golden Core of the other."  

Wow!  This fits my orientation to my husband, my children and my co-workers when I am not living life from my heart.  It especially shook me as I thought about how often I bristle at my husband's behaviors and feel annoyed by him, even though I love him and admire him for who he is at that root level.  Another "wake up" moment.  

Taking this lesson a bit further, I know that I forget about my own Golden Core quite regularly, though mindfulness is certainly helping me make inroads in that respect.  Any time I remember to take a breath, tune in, and feel my inner and outer body, I am able to accept and appreciate who I am right now, not as a human being living a spiritual life, but as a spiritual being, living a human life.  

​​In what ways do we distract ourselves from the present moment?  Countless ways, yet it is in becoming aware of how we distract ourselves that we cultivate the ability to stop, breathe and reconnect with ourselves and the present moment.

I was volunteering at the garden at my daughter's school yesterday during the fall festival and got talking to another mom.  She was lamenting that she felt her family's home remodeling would never be done and she would be forever cooking with a toaster oven and a hot plate and vacuuming up drywall dust.  I shared with her how my husband's perfectionistic procrastinating led to ten years of our living in various iterations of a gutted out, unfinished house.  I understood her situation.  However, I was able to share with her that this type of situation offers practice in letting go.  My house is still not 100% finished, nor is it impeccably decorated or constantly clean and neat.  I often have to choose taking care of myself and my family's basic needs before tending to our home, or I don't choose self-care and then feel like a stress puppy with a clean house.  In the past, I have visited homes of my children's friends and have felt acute pangs of jealousy and inadequacy when taking in their large, new, perfectly furnished/decorated and clean domiciles.  But I have since let that go.  I can take in their abodes and appreciate them without wishing they were mine.  I can have gratitude for what I have.  It is enough.  Amen.

And then, this morning, I realized that perhaps, those folks aren't really satisfied either.  I'm not judging here, just theorizing. I bet it is true that even though they get to wake up to these really beautiful, tasteful, tidy surroundings, many are probably not happier or more zen than I am.  They find new projects that they feel need to be done, and feel that angst that they won't be satisfied until those new projects are finished.  This is just one example of how our culture tries to have us convinced that we have to live a certain way to be acceptable, to be successful.  And have to be constantly doing, upgrading--even ourselves--and I am so much an example of that type of person with my constant quest for self-improvement.  And with that realization, right now, I can pause, take a breath and accept myself exactly as I am in this moment.  I am enough. Amen.

If any of these thoughts ring true for you, please feel free to comment and add to the conversation.

 

Does anything we do really matter in the big scheme of things?

Will humanity wise up and mitigate its impacts on the planet before it is too late?

Will I ever find consistent peace of mind and be all that wish I could be in terms of being a force for good and light in the world?

Are my genes what causes me to be wired for anxiety, restlessness, depression and overwhelm, or is it the environment that I live in?

Should I just take my husband's advice and try to have more fun?  (Hard to do when you don't know how to have fun.)

I am too reactive when I am busy and I am determined to get beyond this huge hurdle in my life.  I am on a vacation from teaching this week and it is absolutely blissful to have so little to do.  Today, my husband and I got the kids off to school and went for a hike about an hour away from Denver.  It felt so good to just walk in the forest without a mind full of "have to's" and "need to's".  I thought to myself, "What if I could navigate through my work day feeling so relaxed, happy and light?"  Can I really have it all?  Does anyone?

I haven't always been able to even enjoy downtime like this.  This is really a recent event, nurtured by a steady meditation practice (going on three years) and a newfound ability to just let things go, like having a super-clean and tidy house or having all of the shopping done.  I am startled to realize that I have gotten to the point where I am not feeling like my time off comes with a laundry list of fun things I hoped to do and projects I wanted to accomplish.  It is easier to just be and relax.  

So if I can enjoy free time like never before--maybe I can also enjoy work time and busy times like never before, right?!  I think it is possible.  The key may be in slowing down enough to make better choices about what I am doing with my mind and my time. I know I am feeling happier and more present because of this slowing down that is my whole theme for this year.  I think more meditation can only help.  I am very interested in adding ten minutes of meditation to my lunch break at work and twenty minutes of meditation when I get home from work, before starting dinner.  

I know that reactivity causes a lot of stress and frustration in my work day.  When students get upset or frustrated and I am not present and responsive, I don't even stop to register their facial expressions or ask the right questions.  I make snap judgements and then end up making small problems bigger.  I then feel like a meanie and jerk and I continue to beat myself up and the stress compounds.  Oy.

If there is anyone reading this who teaches and frequently thinks about how to be more relaxed and happy at school, please comment and share how it's going for you.  


 

I first heard this term, "outsourcing your pre-frontal cortex to your child," from Dan Peters at the SENG National conference this summer. SENG stands for Supporting the Emotional Needs of Gifted. Dan was teaching a workshop on creating boundaries with gifted children, who are often very strong-willed, but can frequently lack good judgment/executive function or are highly impulsive due to asynchronous development (cognitive ability exceeds agemates' while social/emotional intelligence is behind).  I love this phrase, "outsourcing your PFC" because it puts a name to what so many parents do every day when they prevent their child from doing something that is clearly lacking in foresight and common sense. 

This morning provided a relevant anecdote.  I was driving my 13-yeard old son to school when he produced, from his pants pocket, a 3-D printed butterfly knife.  He was opening and closing it quickly, which got my attention.  It turns out, he was planning to take it to school and had already printed one the day before at home and gave it to a classmate.  When I told him that he couldn't have the fake knife in school because it is a facsimile of a weapon, he replied, "Oh--that's ok.  I will only take it out at recess." (You see the lack of judgment here, right?  I then mandated that he leave the plastic knife in my car at drop-off or I would have to call the principal and have her come get it from him to prevent him from getting in more serious trouble.  He then became quite belligerent and proceeded to pitch the "toy," as he called it, out the window.  He berated me for the rest of the drive, reminding me repeatedly how angry he was with me and how much I had upset him with my actions.  I will spare you the exact words, since I have some embarrassment coming up around the way my child was speaking me.

How does this relate to mindfulness?  Well, I think I handled the event more mindfully that I would have before adopting mindfulness practices.  While not perfect, I have refined my ability to respond to situations with my children from my heart, rather than reacting harshly from a place of fear or negativity.  I am grateful that I was mindful and present enough to not "get hooked" in the emotions that my child was experiencing. I was able to stay calm and centered. I was able to continue to offer unconditional love and acceptance, despite the way my son was acting toward me. This is not always the case! I am also grateful that I had the confidence and good judgment to go into the school after seeing the kids off and let the principal know what was happening so she could follow up with my son and the classmate who had received the 3-D knife yesterday. (By the way, she was wonderful--empathetic and understanding.  She assured me that the boys would not be in trouble and this was a learning situation.)

I continued to not get hooked later in the morning, when my son started sending me hostile texts to further admonish me for betraying him. 

This parenting thing is no joke. 

Alfie Kohn says that instead of referring to simple things by saying, "It's not rocket science" or "It's not brain surgery," we should instead say--"It's not parenting."  :)

Blessings, peace and love to anyone who reads this and encounters these dramas with their children on a regular basis, as I do.  May this sharing remind you that you are not alone on this challenging journey of raising bright, creative and strong-willed human beings.  And please feel free to comment!

So, it has occurred to me that there may be many people who do not suffer from having a very persistent and negative inner critic.  If you are one of these people, this blog entry is not for you. You are lucky.  You may return to your newsfeed. :)

However, this has been a big issue for me for as long as I have been able to identify the part of my inner chatter/ego that tells me that I am foolish, talk too much, get on people's nerves, am careless, clumsy, not nearly as good or smart as others,  etc. etc. etc.  You get the point.  This voice is very mean and very rude.  A bully.  I believe this voice was made stronger over the course of my early life by being a girl and then woman who was conditioned by family members and society to "be nice" and at all costs, avoid ever making anyone mad at me.  A people-pleaser of the most extreme form.  To this day, I am still extremely averse to any type of conversation or situation that smacks of conflict and I still catch myself altering my viewpoint in group conversations or doing image management to make sure people will like me.  I'm just recently starting to step out of my comfort zone in this regard, since I have become close with a few woman friends who are more bold and not afraid to be seen as "different" by others.  They are willing to ask hard questions and seem ok with the idea that not everyone will like them.  They are influencing me to be confident and to be brave.

The point of my post is not about taming my people-pleasing tendencies.  It is about how I am learning to notice and neutralize self-critical thoughts and feelings of shame or guilt that seem to emanate from nowhere.  It began when I started realizing, many months ago, that I was often sending blessings to family and friends, but I also needed to bless myself, love myself and accept myself every day.  I started saying this to myself several times a day--upon awakening in bed, while meditating and while going to sleep at night--"I bless, love and accept myself and everyone else." 

I usually put my hand (or both hands) over my heart and intentionally integrate my body, brain/mind and heart/spirit before or while I say those words to myself.

I kept remembering to do this every day until, just recently, I noticed myself thinking this mantra during the course of my day, when a mean, self-flagellating thought popped into my head.  And it completely zapped that negative self-talk.  I was able to see it for what it was--an old tape that held no merit. 

This practice is so simple, yet it has transformed the way I feel about myself, which has, of course, changed the way I live with my family and teach/interact with students, families and colleagues.  The nagging self-consciousness is mostly gone and I am so grateful.  The level of joy I feel has gone way up.

If this sharing resonates with you in any way, please comment and let me know.  Thank you.